


Fire and Water

by spookyscaryaliens



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Dark, Depression, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Insomnia, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, This is very sad just a warning, im not happy with this, let me know if I should take it down, lonely, no actual suicide, thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-09-12 21:00:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9090535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spookyscaryaliens/pseuds/spookyscaryaliens
Summary: Alex hated being alone. When he was alone, he would start to think. His thoughts were split in two, opposites. Fire and water.





	

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys so im not really liking this one??? it's highly probable that ill delete it but i felt like i should publish it. which i know i said the same thing about my last fic but i like this one even less than that so. eh.   
> Warning: This does get into some somewhat suicidal thoughts and could be triggering. Stay safe. 
> 
> see ya   
> -spooky

     Alex was tired. That was the only thing he knew for sure. He was so damn tired. His mind was constantly at war with itself. Half of it fire, half of it water. His thoughts were complete opposites and completely destructive of the other. He didn't know what it was. Was he depressed? He didn't feel sad all the time. Was it anxiety? He didn't feel nervous all the time. Was it nothing? He didn't feel okay all the time. Or half the time. Barely any of the time. Most definitely not at night, as cliché as it sounds. At night, he was alone. Alone with his contradictory mind and no one to talk to to just get his thoughts out of the rotting cage of his brain. John would be asleep or busy. He wouldn't want to bother Lafayette or Burr or Herc. He felt like he wasn't close enough to them or to Eliza or Peggy or Angelica. So he was alone.

     He hated being alone. When he was alone, he could only talk to himself. And his conversations were not friendly.

  
      _Idiot_. His mind hissed out. _You want to be the smartest. The best. You need to work. You have so much work to do, you need to get it done. You need to get it done. If you don't work, you'll never get anywhere in life. But you're too lazy to move. You're pathetic. How can you be the hardest worker, the best version of yourself, a role model for others if you take a break? If you take a break now, you won't be able to start back up again. Good luck with that. You'll regret it when you die. You'll be nothing. You'll be forgotten. No one will remember you because you did nothing worth remembering. You are nothing worth remembering._

     The fire. Then the water.

      _Who even cares? Just lay down. Stay down. The world is too much anyway. It's all too fast and too loud and too much. Existing is way too much pressure. It would honestly be better if you just stopped doing it. Things would be a lot more peaceful if you just stopped. Just shut down. Yeah you have work, but it's so much. It's too much. How can you work when so much is going on? You can you live when so much is going on?_

     Alex hated his mind sometimes. It just wouldn't shut up. It made his leg bounce when he sat, it made him stay in bed all day, it made him lie awake all night, it made him think. And he hated it. His heart would beat too quickly and his palms would get sweaty. His eyes would start to water and goddamn it he would cry. _Goddamn it_. He was sick of crying. He was sick of feeling like he did. He was sick of where he lived and how he lived and the simple fact that he lived.

     He wouldn't do anything about it though. He wasn't that stupid. And besides. He was too tired.


End file.
